I Hate You, I Love You
by hungrywhovianpotterhead
Summary: Emma and Killian have been happy for years, the perfect story of best friends turned lovers, but all of that changes, when a ghost from Killian's past came back and threw everything away. One kiss forced over a bar, and he needs to try and show Emma, who won't even speak with him, that she wasn't wrong about him, and that he still loves her. Modern Day A/U
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: Hello friends. So this little bit came to me, as I was listening to Pandora, and the song I hate you I love you by Gnash came on, and it wouldn't leave me alone. So I started writing, and it sort of exploded. I almost had to split it up. It is completely A/U with no magic. It is also a whole lot of angst, without a lot of fluff, so pretty different than I usually do. Let me know what you guys think**

 **warning: Undbeta'd all mistakes are mine.**

 **Disclaimer: I don't own the song, or ouat. Though I would really love to**

Emma's heart broke, as she opened the door of the bar that Killian worked at, just as the woman with the dark hair, pulled him over the counter, and kissed him. That wouldn't have killed her, but he didn't pull away, and when he finally did, she saw him whisper her name. A name she saw each time they made love. The name tattooed on his arm. "Milah" When she dropped the bag that held the dinner she promised to bring, he looked up. His eyes went wide. "Emma?" he breathed.

She hadn't waited to hear his explanation. She bit back the tears, as she ran out of the bar. She ran two blocks before she stopped. She heard him yelling her name in the distance. Dammit. Usually in situations like this, Emma would go to the person that hurt her. Killian was the person she went to, whenever her life turned to shit. When Neal left her, when Graham died. She never should have let him further into her heart, the night that he kissed her under the stars at the dance on the docks. She should have known. Everyone hurt her, everyone left her, why would Killian Jones be any different. There was no way, she would go back to the apartment tonight. She fumbled with her phone and called her sister, if anyone could help her, it was M&M.

~~I hate you~~

"C'mon sailor." Milah said, leaning on the bar. "One kiss, for old time's sake." She reached over the bar and grabbed his tie, and nothing he was going to say in objection reached his lips, as she crushed hers to him.

He heard the crash, he pushed Milah away. "Milah…" he growled, before he looked up and caught betrayed green eyes across the bar. "Emma?" he breathed. He could tell, by the look on her face, all she had seen was Milah kissing him. She probably thought the worst. His fears were confirmed, as she ran out of the bar and into the night.

"Emma!" He called, she nowhere in sight. "Emma, come back. Emma please!" He dug his phone out of his pocket, he dialed his mate, and Emma's brother-in-law, David. "David." He practically sobbed when the other man answered.

"Killian? What is it? Are you okay?" David's voice crackled with concern on the other end.

"Mate, I need help. I screwed up. Milah…" His voice broke. "Milah, she came to the bar… and… and she kissed me. I pushed her away, but it was too late… Emma saw. I need your help. She ran away. I don't know where she went. Please. I'm desperate." He pleaded. He heard the door open, and Milah sauntered out.

"Killian, calm down. We'll fix this. We just need to get Emma to listen."

Killian shook his head, hand coming to hold his forehead. "I don't think it'll be that easy, mate." He whispered. "Before Neal left, she caught him cheating. I was the one person she told. She would never forgive me if she thought…" He broke off, as he felt hands on his shoulders. He spun and shoved Milah away. "This is your fault!" He shouted, as he ended the call with David. Before he spun and stormed away from the shocked woman. He needed to find Emma.

~~I love you~~

"She doesn't want to see you." Mary Margaret snapped, as she opened the door. Emma curled herself onto her chair. Hoping he would go. She knew he wouldn't though.

"Please. I need to explain." Killian pleaded, and Emma almost went to him, but then she saw Milah kissing him, and she stayed frozen. "Emma!" He cried into the apartment. "Emma, please! It wasn't what it looked like."

M&M glanced at her. Emma shook her head, mouthing the words, _"Please, make him go."_

"You need to leave. Before you wake the neighbors. Don't come back, Killian." Mary Margaret said, before she closed the door. Killian pounded on the door, twice, before they heard the solid thump of his head impacting the door, then footsteps leading away.

Emma broke down again, and her sister wrapped her into her arms.

~~I hate that I love you~~

He sat on their couch, a bottle of rum in his hand, his phone in his hand, a message typed under her name.

 _Emma I'm sorry. I love you._

He fought the battle, and in the end, he hit send. Even if she didn't believe him. He needed her to know, that he loved her.

He sobbed, as he held the picture from their first date. Right after he convinced Emma to take a chance on him. For ten years, he had been the shoulder she cried on. Then after seeing her heart break, he wanted the chance to protect her.

He should have thrown Milah out of the bar when she stepped foot inside. Instead here he was, wishing he could turn back the clock. He loved her. Since he first met her, he loved her, but she always belonged to someone else. Then it was his turn, and he threw it away. She was his best friend, and he was hers, and now they had nothing.

Milah had been a fling when he was a teenager. He turned eighteen and he got her name tattooed on his arm, then he found out she was married, had a son, and she was just using him. He had left her then, and told her to never to come near him again. Then he met Emma, and got her name tattooed on his heart.

He opened his phone and typed out another message.

 _I never wanted it to be like this. I don't love her. I only ever loved you._

He never sent the second, as he drank himself to oblivion in their living room, surrounded by reminders of a happier time.

~~Don't want to~~

It had been a week. A week since she had left him in the street. A week since he broke her heart. She still wasn't sleeping. It was amazing how easily you get used to sleeping with someone. Because when they aren't there, it's like the bed is made of ice, and the room is too silent.

She was working a job, when she saw her. She was walking out of a store, a bag hanging from her arm, and she brushed past Emma like she didn't see her.

"Yeah, I'm on my way to meet him now." Milah said into her phone, and Emma felt another piece of her heart break, when she imagined her meeting Killian, him greeting her with a kiss on her cheek. She hurried down the sidewalk. Her perp would be somewhere else, later. She just needed to get away from Milah and her talk of plans with the man she never thought would let her down.

She thought to the last time she heard from him. The text message the night that he broke her heart. Where he apologized for hurting her.

~~but I can't put~~

Killian saw her across the coffee shop, talking with some guy. It was a sourness in his stomach, that she was already trying to move on. When even the thought of anyone else made him sick. He slipped his flask from his pocket, and poured some into his coffee, to numb the pain.

She looked up, and their eyes met across the shop, and he saw the pain in her eyes, and he forced himself to turn away, and leave. He didn't want to ruin her date.

~~nobody else above you~~

Emma saw him, as he left. He looked tired, and she was certain that he had been tucking his flask away in his jacket. She felt a clench in her chest, and a flash of guilt. She tries to keep her mind on the task before her. This bastard cheated on his wife, and got arrested. She loved him so much, that she even paid the bail. That was made her chase the last bit of guilt away. She knew that Milah was married. He cheated on her, and helped Milah cheat on the poor bastard she was married to.

In the end, he ran. Just like always. Emma caught him, glad she had his car booted.

"I have money." He told her. "I can pay you."

"No you can't. And if you did, you should send it to your wife. She loves you." Emma told him.

He laughed in her face. "What do you know about love."

She slammed his head into the steering wheel. "I know that it only hurts those involved."

 _~~I hate you~~_

It's been months. David invited him to come to a party. He wanted to say no, but the man looked so hopeful, that he had to agree.

So here he was, sitting in the corner, watching as Emma talked with some tall blue eyed guy. They were laughing. She was angling herself towards him. He felt a stab in his heart each time that the man said something that made her face light up in the way that used to be reserved for him.

He took another drink, then he moved to the first woman he could see, and began to strike up conversation. Emma wasn't the only one that could flirt. It wasn't like they were together anymore. She was a small woman, with brown eyes and blonde hair.

 _~~I love you~~_

August was nice, but she felt bad, for leading him on. As much as she liked him, she knew she couldn't give him what he wanted. But she was lonely, and for just a moment she could imagine those blue eyes were looking out of another face, that the dark hair was just a little more alive, and his scruff a little bit more rugged.

She saw Killian walk in, and saw him talk with David, but she kept herself away. If she let herself get pulled back into his gravity, it would only be so long before he hurt her again. Then even as she considered it, seeing him alone in the corner, he moved and started to talk to the secretary from David's office, and she turned her back to him, for the final time that night.

She didn't leave with August. Couldn't bring herself to do it. She hated Killian for making it so she couldn't trust anyone. But despite all the times she proved to herself that she couldn't trust him, she loved him.

 _~~I hate that I want you~~_

"Just talk to her." David's voice pulled him out of it. "You're both miserable. Just tell her, it was a misunderstanding. Emma would understand."

Killian shook his head. "Miserable? I've seen her. Out on dates, chatting with tall dark and handsome at the party. It doesn't seem she's all that miserable."

David sighed. "You're and idiot Jones." He told him, when Killian gave him a frustrated look. "Shut up. Let me talk. She's my sister-in-law. I know Emma Swan. I thought you did too. She's a bails bondwoman. Easiest way to get a male mark? Fake date." He explained. "And August?" He asked. "August, he works at my office. He was interested, but Emma turned him down. She hasn't let anyone even buy her a drink since you. She won't talk to M&M. She's been drinking."

Killian looked up. "But Emma doesn't…" he started.

"Drink? I know. But she started after you." David told him. "Shit, I don't even think she's been sleeping. Haven't you even taken a close look at her? I see you watch her. Yet you don't see that she's in a bad place? You're both shit without each other. So just get up there, go talk to her." David told him, before he got up, and left Killian alone with his alcohol, and his thoughts.

 _~~You want her~~_

"Emma, just let him explain. It'll all be better, if you just let him explain." Her sister pleaded.

Emma let out a growl of frustration. "You know what, Mary Margaret?" She started, whirling on her older sister. "Stop! You don't know what we're going through! We don't all have a fucking fairytale romance!" She shouted. "I don't need him to explain. I know what he did. I was there. I was fucking there, M&M. He knew what Neal had done to me, and yet he did it anyway. So, you know what? I don't give a fuck, what his explanation is. It's over." She put her cup in the sink. "I gotta go. I'll see you later." She grabbed her coat from the hook, and pushed through the door.

 _~~You need her~~_

He paced back and forth, in front of her door. He poised his hand to knock, several different times, but couldn't bring himself to knock.

He raised his hand one more time, but his phone rang.

He looked down, and almost sobbed, when he saw her name lit up on the screen. He fumbled to answer, and held it to his ear. "Swan." He said softly.

"Killian. I was hoping you wouldn't pick up." Her voice was a balm to his frayed nerves.

He let out a sigh, sinking against the wall by her door. "Aye, but I did. Can we meet?" he asked hopefully. "I need to talk to you."

A beat.

"No." His heart broke all over again.

"Then why did you call?" He asked, knowing his voice sounded small, and hurt.

He could hear her breathing. "I couldn't leave, not without saying goodbye." She said. He was confused. Why would she be saying goodbye.

"What are you talking about?" Killian asked, standing up taller.

Emma paused, before continuing. "I got a job. A permanent one. In New York. I'm working as a PI for a law firm. I'm leaving tonight. But Even though it's been almost a year. I didn't want to leave, without saying goodbye."

He was poised to say more, but the line went dead. He slid down the wall. She had already left, before he could tell her the truth. "Emma." He whispered.

 _~~But I'll never be her~~_

She dropped her phone onto the passenger seat. Before she put the car into gear. She had accepted the job for two reasons. One, it was great, the pay for a week could pay all the bills she struggled with in a month. The second? It was in New York, far from the small town that they had lived in together. No more awkward moments, where they pretended not to see the other across the restaurant. Where she pretended she still didn't want to jump into his arms, each time she saw his face. In New York, Emma could pretend that she didn't know, who Killian Jones was.

She sighed, as she drove out of town. Her flight left at 8. A flight that would save her from making the same mistake over Killian Jones again.

 _~~I hate you~~_

He just got off the phone with David. Emma's flight left at eight. He had started driving, as soon as he made up his mind. He called David on the way. He needed to know what flight she was on. He needed to tell her, before she left. He had half an hour. He found himself hoping, that he would get there, and the flight would be delayed. Anything to keep her there. He pressed down on the pedal, and sped down the highway.

He cursed, as the traffic slowed to a crawl, he should have known it would be this way. He looked at his watch, ten minutes, then she would be gone. He found the nearest exit, and got off. He knew that it was unlikely he could reach the airport in time.

 _~~I love you~~_

The flight was boarding. Emma dropped her keys and phone into the tray, and stepped through the gate. She waited patiently on the other side as they came through, and she retrieved them. As she did, she swore she heard someone call her name. She ignored it, knowing that only one person would try and stop her from leaving. The one person she needed to leave to get away from.

"Emma!" She refused to look. "Emma!" she tensed her shoulders, and kept walking. She wouldn't fall back and look at him. She was doing this. She was going to New York.

"Emma, please!" She still refused to look, even as she heard the scuffle back at the gate. She kept her head down, then she felt a hand on her arm, and he was pulling her back.

"I can't let you leave." He whispered. "Not without knowing." His eyes were so earnest, so pleading, the pain in them so bare. He looked like he hadn't slept in weeks, and he reeked of rum. She already felt the familiar tug in her heart, that she always got around him. The tightness that told her to let him hold her.

She almost let him pull her closer, but then the image of Milah, pulling him across the bar, and she steeled her heart. "I don't care." She forced out, "Goodbye Killian. I hope you can be happy." She told him, pulling her arm away. Emma saw the grief on his blue eyes, but she made herself look away. Emma turned her back on him, and she walked away.

"Emma!" He sobbed, trying to reach out to her through the crowd, but she walked through the gate, and didn't look back. She was done letting Killian Jones break her heart.

 _~~I hate that I love you~~_

Killian could feel a part of him dying, as Emma boarded the plane. She didn't look back once. She was too far gone. She didn't care anymore. He thought, as he saw the tenderness that flashed in her eyes. He thought that maybe she still felt something for him, but now he knew. When he saw the hardening in her eyes. She didn't care. Her words ringing in his ears.

He heard the final boarding call, and he knew there was nothing he could say to her, anymore. Emma Swan was gone. He watched the plane ascend into the sky, and take his heart with him.

 _~~I want to, but I can't put~~_

A year had passed since Emma Swan flew to New York, and tonight she was coming back. Her plane landed, and she was happy to be home. She finally had a year, that she wasn't wallowing in self-hatred. Her new job, was too busy for that. It was also to busy, to worry about the one part of being back in Maine she wasn't looking forward to. Especially with Walsh waiting for her back home.

M&M was waiting, with a cheesy sign made with too much glitter, and too much pink, that declared "Welcome Home Emma!" She had a cheesy grin on her face, and little Leo propped on her hip, David beaming at her from behind them.

She was sad, when she missed the birth of her nephew, but she was so thrilled to see the baby, even if he was passed out on M&M's shoulder.

"Emma!" they called out. She rushed forward hugging them, before she pulled back, and her chest grew tight, seeing who was waiting behind all of them.

He looked just like he did the day she said goodbye. His eyes held the same tenderness that they held that day.

"Why is he here?" She asked her sister.

David answered. "Because, he missed you too." He told her. Emma frowned.

"I told you, I didn't want him to know I was back." Her voice was quiet. She thought it was quiet enough that he couldn't hear her, but his shoulders slumped.

 _~~Nobody else above you~~_

She looked so beautiful, even after a long flight, and no hairbrush, she was even more beautiful than he remembered. She started running, when her family called out to her. Then she saw him, and he saw hurt cross her face, and he slumped. Especially when she said she never wanted him to know she was here.

He nodded tersely, and turned his back. So much for distance making the heart grow fonder. She seemed to care even less, than she did when she ran away from him. He wanted so much, to have taken her into his arms, when she had nowhere to run, and make her listen. Make her understand how much she meant to him.

He walked away, hoping that she would follow, or anything, but wasn't surprised when she didn't.

 _~~I hate you~~_

Three days. She was only here for three days, but she got the feeling that her sister and brother-in-law were trying to push them together. She kept showing up for lunches, finding that M&M and David had bailed, and that David had happened to invite Killian. So today, when she walked into the diner, and saw Killian sitting there, she groaned and started to turn.

"Emma." She closed her eyes against the flutter of butterflies she always got around him.

She opened her eyes and sighed, looking back at him. "What?" She snapped.

He shrank back, like she slapped him. "Perhaps, they'll stop setting us up, if we just give in, and talk."

"Yeah, well I'm not interested." She began.

He sighed, rubbing a hand over his face. "I'm aware. I preposition nothing more than that. We talk. It'll make it easier, while you're in town."

She wanted to turn away from him. Wanted to leave him behind, like she did all those years ago. She never expected to nod, and let him lead her to the table in the corner. After all this time, she was finally going to have to stop running.

 _~~I love you~~_

This was better than he could have hoped for. Even if the conversation was halted and awkward. They were tiptoeing around the true issue. Not talking about the real wall between them.

"Emma…" he started, fighting the urge to reach across the table. "Emma." He bit his lip. "I need to tell you…"

"Don't" She said. "I've almost been able to avoid it. Don't bring it up."

He shook his head. "Emma." Killian felt frustration boiling inside of him. "I just want to tell you."

Emma glared into her cocoa. He knew he was losing her. "Stop. I know. I know, she was your first love. I never should have expected anything else."

He growled. "No. You don't know. Milah was nothing. When I left Milah…" he saw her starting to consider leaving, and his had shot out. Needing to keep her there. "When I left Milah, it was relief." He told her. "When you left me? It was like a part of my soul died. You took my heart with you, when you left for New York." Her hand was warm, and soft under his hand. "What you saw that night? She forced herself on me. I would never do that." He told her. "Not to you. Never. I love you."

 _~~I hate that I want you~~_

Her world was off kilter. She searched for a lie. She needed to find a lie. If she couldn't it meant that she threw him away over a lie. "I…" He looked so hopeful. She couldn't look him in the eyes. Of course, he wouldn't. "But, you… I can't." Walsh flashed behind her. Dinner last week. He asked her to marry him. She said no, but still. Could she hurt him like that? "I'm sorry, Killian." She gasped. "I can't do this right now."

His face fell, as she pulled her hand away, and got out of the booth. "Emma." His voice was gentle. "I expect nothing from you. Just please. It kills me, when you won't even talk to me." Tears sprang to her eyes, and she saw that his eyes were damp as well. "These last two years? Have been the worst in my life." He told her. "We don't need to become what we were. But can't we at least be friends?" He sounded so desperate.

Emma closed her eyes, before she answered. The truth was, she wanted that. She wanted what she used to have with Killian. Not before they fell in love, but after. She wanted him to hold her, but she couldn't do that to Walsh. But she didn't want him to leave her life. Friendship was the next best thing.

"I'd like that." She said, and she watched a weight lift from his shoulders. She felt the same one lift from hers. "I still need time." She said softly. "But I want my best friend back."

Killian beamed at her. "Take all the time you need, Swan." He told her, with a small smile.

 _~~you want her~~_

Killian left the diner with a lightness in his heart that he hadn't felt in so long. It only took two years, but she finally talked to him. He finally told her the truth. She may have only agreed to be friends, but it was more than he could have expected.

He walked through town, with his hands deep into his pockets. He almost walked past them. David and M&M were sitting on their patio out back of their small house.

He wanted to tell them their plan worked, so he opened the gate and slipped through. Walking through the yard, to join them. He was brought up short, when he heard Emma's voice.

"Look. I don't need you to force me back with Killian." She was saying. "Did you even ask me, if I wanted anything with him?"

"But, Emma." M&M started. "You said you guys talked. That you were going to try to be friends again."

Emma sighed. "Yeah, but he wants us to be something more! I can't keep lying to him! I can't be what he wants!" she cried.

"Why not?" David asked.

"Because of Walsh." She said softly. "I met him in New York. I never thought I would be able to trust someone again."

Killian felt all the lightness leave him. She had moved on. Whoever this Walsh was, he was a lucky man.

"So no. I'm not happy with you, for forcing us together. Did you even think about asking me?"

Killian must have made some sort of noise, because Emma looked behind her, and her face crumpled. "Killian." She whispered. He didn't wait to hear what she had to say. He just turned and walked away.

 _~~you need her~~_

Emma turned in slow motion, at the rustle in the grass behind her. She wasn't sure what she had expected to find, but a broken-hearted Killian Jones was not on her list. She whispered his name. Shame building in her heart, as he turned from them, and started to walk quickly away.

She didn't think, just shot up from her lawn chair, and chased after him. "Killian!" She called, needing him to look back at her. He didn't he swiped at his eyes, and she felt her heart break further. "Killian!" she called again, and this time he stopped, spinning around to face her. His eyes filled with anger and hurt.

"No. Stop. It's my turn. You spent two years. Two years, chasing after you!" he snapped. "Two years, trying to pick up the pieces of my heart, that you left. Then you come back. You come back and first you try to keep me from even knowing you're in town. Then you give me this whole spiel about wanting me back in your life. But you keep this from me?"

Emma knew that it was justified. She knew he had every right to be upset. But she couldn't help but feel the hurt in her heart, bloomed into anger. "What?"

"Back there, you led me to believe that friends, was a stepping stone. How long were you going to let me believe that?" He demanded. "You know what, this was a mistake. I thought, that maybe. Just maybe, if I never stopped loving you. Maybe you wouldn't have stopped loving me. Thank you for showing me, how wrong I was."

She felt the tears burn her eyes, begging to fall, she wouldn't let them. She felt her heart break completely, as Killian turned his back on her again.

He was almost out of earshot when she called out to him again. "I didn't. I never stopped." She called out, but if he heard her, he showed no reaction.

 _~~but I'll never be her~~_

He wasn't sure what to think. He wanted to ignore what she called after him. If he ever wanted to get past loving Emma Swan, he had to forget the words that fell from her lips, as he walked away. She still loved him, but it wasn't enough for her to say it. He knew by the end of the week; she would go back to Walsh. He hated the sound of that name. Though he would hate any man who would take his Emma away.

His phone buzzed, and he looked down. It was from Mary Margaret.

 _She booked a flight back to New York. She's leaving today._

He closed the message. He wouldn't chase after her again. He was done with Emma Swan. He couldn't keep pretending that she cared enough to ever come back to him.

 _~~Friends can break your heart too~~_

For the second time in a month, she stood in the terminal of the Logan International Airport. Only this time, she had nobody here to greet her. Nobody knew. This time, she had more than just a visit in mind. She quit her job, and got one with a Law-firm in Boston. She had been feeling home-sick, since she broke it off with Walsh. After she walked in three days early from her last trip to Maine, to find him. He had his dick buried in some woman she never saw before, had the nerve to say it wasn't what it looked like. She threw him out. He tried to say he was sorry, but his things were packed on the landing, and his key was taken from him.

Now here she stood, planning what she would do. Her first plan was to go home. Tell M&M and David, that she was moving back. But instead she found herself standing outside of his apartment, and knocking, before she could talk herself out it, she knocked. She knew she probably looked a sight, eyes puffy, because she couldn't seem to stop crying since she found Walsh. Not because of Walsh, but over the fact that she threw away her second chance with the man she truly loved for a cheating bastard.

She knew she hadn't brushed her hair, or her teeth since she got off the plane, but this couldn't wait.

She was starting to think that he wasn't home, when she heard footsteps on the other side, and Killian opened the door, shirt unbuttoned, hanging loosely leaving his chest bare, his blue eyes widened when he saw her.

"Emma?" he asked, then he took in her appearance. "What's wrong." His face filled with concern, as he straightened, opening the door wider.

For a second, she said nothing. "Did you mean it?" She asked. "Did you mean it, when you would still be my friend?" She asked, and when he nodded, she threw herself forward into his arms. "Good, because I need my best friend right now."

She felt his arms come up around her. "Always, Emma. I'll always be here." He promised, and Emma broke down in his arms again.

 _~~I'm always tired, but never of you~~_

Killian never thought he would have this again, but he knew now, that he had it back, he would never let her go. He wished he could hold her the way he wanted too, but getting to be her shoulder again, was enough for him. He didn't want to be happy that Walsh had hurt her. But he was glad, that what happened, led Emma back to him. Every month without her, was slowly killing him. He wanted his Emma back. He needed her. Now that he had her, he'd never let her go again.

 **please review. They feed the Hungry Whovian.**

 **TLK for all my readers until next time Dearies Allons-y!**


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N Surprise! Not a oneshot as I said before so here you go!**

 **Based off of: Used To Be Mine by Sara Bareilles**

 **disclaimer: I own nothing**

 _~~She's imperfect but she tries~~_

It hasn't been easy. Emma knows she's hurt him, when he opened the door, she had seen the distrust on his face, felt the hesitance in the way his arms wrapped around her. She knew that it was because she spent two years, running away from him. She knew now, that he was what she always wanted. It scared her, how much she feared his rejection. She didn't know what she would do, if he told her to leave. She had no more running left. That girl was gone. The girl that remained? She was a mess.

She wouldn't blame Killian, if he gave up, turned away. Told her she was too broken for him. She was too broken to keep Neal, too stubborn to give Graham ten damn minutes to drink a cup of coffee, she was too blind to see what really happened in the bar two years ago, with Milah. Then? To top it all off, she was too lost, too see that Walsh would only lead her to yet another heartbreak. So here she was, sobbing in Killian's arms. Practically begging for him to forgive her.

The thing that makes her cry harder, is when he promises to never leave her. Because she knows. She knows, that she doesn't deserve the love he has kept for her, even after two years.

 _~~She is good, but she lies~~_

He held her to him, he was still trying to convince himself she was there. Her fists had balled in the open sides of his shirt, tears dampening the shoulder. He gently soothed her, whispering assurances in her ear.

He pulled away carefully. "Come, luv. Let's get you inside." He whispered, brushing a lock of hair out of her face. She looked up at him, and he swore he had never seen anything more heartbreaking, than the look on her face. She looked like she expected him to kick her at any moment. He determined in that moment, he would prove to her, that she would never be alone. He would never leave her. "I'll make you some cocoa. Then you can tell me, what happened."

Killian moved to the kitchen, and almost jumped, when he heard her voice, close. She was almost right behind him. "Why do you put up with me?" She asked. "I'm a broken idiot, who finally got something good, and I just ran away."

He looked down at the mug he was preparing. Was she regretting him? Or was it leaving Walsh back in New York? He would be kidding himself, if he thought it was him. Why would she regret him? After two years, she clearly regretted something, he wouldn't let himself believe it was him

"You're not broken. You've simply been cracked a few times, but you're so stubborn, you never let anyone help put you back together." He said softly. "As for running? You've been hurt so many times. Running is the wall you put up, to protect your heart. How could I ever fault you for that? You forget, before everything, I was always your friend. I liked to think that I was your best friend." He filled the kettle, before he turned and saw the way she fiddled with her hands.

"I don't deserve you." She whispered, and it broke his heart, to see his strong Swan, brought so low. He desperately wanted to know what happened in New York.

 _~~She is hard on herself~~_

She sat at the table, hands wrapped around a warm mug, blowing the steam off the top. She wasn't looking up. Couldn't meet his eyes. This was her biggest mistake. Letting Killian Jones slip through her fingers. She had missed him so much. She knew that it would take time, to even get back to being the friends they used to be.

Killian was looking at her, with earnest eyes, silently urging her to tell him what happened, that was when she realized, she didn't have to work with him. Even after two years, he was still Killian. She didn't need to hide from him, so she took a small scalding sip of her drink before she began.

"Isn't it justice?" She asked. "That what made me remember how much it hurt, when I thought you had cheated on me, was when I didn't feel anything, when I showed up back home, three days early, to find the guy who had just the week before, asked me to marry him, balls deep in some redhead?" She didn't meet his eye, though she saw the tensing of his jaw. "Worst part? I really didn't feel anything. No… I felt relief." She looked up then.

"Why?" Killian questioned, eyebrow raised, though she saw the small tick in his jaw.

"Why didn't I feel anything? Or why was I relieved?"

"Relieved." He said softly. She thought, that he must already know, did she not display her biggest regret, when she threw herself into his arms at the door?

Emma took a steadying breath. "After I left, I got on a plane, I was going home, to tell Walsh, that it wouldn't work. How can you be with someone, that wants to marry you, when you're in love with someone else?" She asked, eyes glued on the chocolate beverage in front of her, so she could pretend not to see the widening of his eyes. Even when they were together, she had never said those three little words. "But despite all of that? I felt guilty. The guy had bought an engagement ring and everything, and I was about to go throw it back in his face."

Killian reached out, his fingers brushing hers gently, not asking for anything, just reassuring her.

She smiled at him softly. "So." She started again, with a grateful look. "Imagine my relief, when I didn't have to break his heart. He even tried telling me, it wasn't what it looked like. He was fucking her. It wasn't a misunderstanding. Not like you. It was when I heard those words, out of his mouth, I knew he was lying. Something I never picked up from you. I forced myself to see the lies with you. They became my lies." She confessed.

She was shocked to see the open and sorrowful look on his face, knowing that it wasn't hurt that made him so, but the fact that life had sent her through so many loops, she can't see love when it's right in front of her. She didn't want him to feel sorry for her. She wanted him to yell, scream. Tell her she should have listened to her heart, instead of her instincts. So she just looked at her hands, as she waited for his answer.

 _~~She is broken and won't ask for help~~_

He wasn't used to seeing Emma like this, she seemed so small, as she sat there, begging him to forgive her, or yell at her. He couldn't tell which. He didn't know how to tell her that he already had forgiven her. He didn't know how to tell her, how much hearing what she had told him, made him long even more to wrap her in his arms, tell her she doesn't need to be forgiven.

"Do you really mean that?" He asked her softly, his heart seeming to pause with his breathing, waiting for her answer.

"Yes." The answer is soft, hesitant. "Just like I meant it, when I told you I needed you in my life back at Granny's. But I didn't realize just then, I didn't mean as a friend."

Killian closed his eyes, letting it all sink in, he almost missed her next words, soft as they were.

"I just needed you." She confessed. "I guess I always was an idiot, that could never see what I had till it was gone."

He got up from his seat, perching in front of her, taking both of her hands in his, setting her mug behind him.

"Emma Swan. I never want to hear you say that again." He told her, looking right into her eyes, seeing the raw emotion that she held in them. So many said that Emma was impossible to read, but he had always been able to read her like a book. "You are strong. You are smart. You are the smartest person I've ever met. All of the people that hurt you? Me included. None of them deserve you. I knew from the moment I met you. I didn't earn you."

Emma opened her mouth to argue with him.

"No." He stopped her. "Listen to me. You are here, trying to beg me to forgive you. I already have. I was never angry with you. I've been beside you since the first time I met you, because that is when I saw who you are. I regret ever putting more pain in those beautiful eyes. I wish I could take away your pain. I do." He saw the tears forming in her green eyes.

"I can't, but I can promise, that I will be here for you, through all of it. I will help you learn to let go of that pain. Because I promise you. I'll never hurt you again." He promised her.

Emma released his hand, her newly freed fingers finding his cheek, before sliding around to cup his neck.

"You're wrong." She said softly, and he felt a solid drop in his chest, before she continued. "I'm the one that doesn't deserve you." She whispered, before leaning in, and leaning her forehead against his. "How can you forgive me? I'm horrible. Two years. I left you for two years, but you're still here. Still willing to let me in. How can you still care about me?" she asked, her eyes boring into his.

He smiled, a dazzling smile. "It's simple, darling." He told her, trying not to get distracted by the closeness that they shared, that they hadn't had in more than two years. "I love you." He told her, his fingers brushing through her hair, as he waited for her to respond.

 _~~she is messy but she's kind~~_

Emma felt her eyes widen, the tears slipping free, as she heard the words slip from his lips. She opened her mouth, and closed it, not knowing how to respond. Then her eyes darted down, seeing his lips so close, before they darted up to his searching eyes. He was waiting for her to respond. So Emma gave him a watery smile, and pulled his lips to hers.

 _~~she is lonely most of the time~~_

He froze for only a moment, as her lips met his, but he melted into the kiss, a small sigh slipping from his lips. He felt another piece of his fractured heart fall back into place. His hand coming up to cup the side of her face, before he pulled away to look into her eyes.

The mossy green of her eyes were highlighted by the deep bags under her eyes, and the red that rimmed them, because of her tears. "I'm sorry." He whispered. "I'm sorry that I hurt you. I'm sorry that he hurt you. I'm sorry that Neal broke your heart that first time." He told her. "You never deserved to be hurt in the ways that you've been hurt." He crouched before her.

She shook her head. "No. You didn't deserve what I did to you." She told him. "I don't know how you can forgive me."

He rubbed his thumb over the apple of her cheek. "It's because, I have been waiting for you to show up on my doorstep, so I could tell you, how much you mean to me." He told her. "Because, I haven't been able to sleep for two years. I haven't spent a single day without thinking of the feel of your lips, the softness of your skin, and the music of your laugh. It's because even moments after I left you outside of Dave and M&M's, I knew I had no right to be angry with you. Because I never needed to forgive you." He confessed.

 _~~she is all of this~~_

She didn't know how to react. Her heart pounded in that familiar way, as she pulled him up till they were level, blue and green clashing in a dance of need, searching for any uncertainty in his, marveling in the lack of uncertainty in her own heart, as she got to her feet bringing him with her, as they rose together, she pulled him into a slow lingering kiss, that quickly deepened. It was amazing how quickly they fell back into old patterns, his arms snaking around her waist, pulling her flush to his chest.

She gasped, as one of his hands came up to the back of her head, long fingers tangling effortlessly in her blonde locks.

God, how could she give this man up? It was simple, she thought, as her legs came up, wrapping around his hips, as he lifted her. She couldn't, it's why she never felt anything deeper for Walsh. Why even in New York, she couldn't help but see him everything around her. She pulled back, forehead resting against his, chest heaving. "Bedroom." She managed to gasp, before he was kissing her again, and they were bumping against walls, clothing quickly being shed in their path, before they hit the plush mattress, that she missed so much, finally feeling complete, as they came together again, after two years.

 _~~Mixed up baked in a beautiful pie~~_

It was more than he could imagine, he had to pinch himself, to remind himself it was real. That last night indeed happened, and Emma Swan still lay, sleeping peacefully in what he had never truly stopped calling their bed. Tangled in his sheets, her head resting against his chest. This was a feeling he never thought he would have again, as his arms tightened around her. Last night it had all been laid out before them. It really was no surprise where the night ended. They had come together again after two years, the passion that never faded, as they made love deep into the night.

In his arms, Emma began to stir, a small murmur slipping past her lips, as her green eyes flickered open, and she looked up at him. "Morning." She smiled sleepily.

"Morning." He responded, pressing a soft kiss to her lips.

She hummed. "hmm… I missed you." She said against his lips. He smiled, and deepened the kiss, and before he knew it, they picked up, where last night left off.

 _~~she is gone~~_

Once they had finally pulled themselves from bed, they had dressed, and talked more in the kitchen, until Killian told her that he was meeting David and M&M for lunch at Granny's, and that he thought she should come, because "Your sister should know you're back." He told her.

Emma smiled. "Yeah. That sounds nice."

 _~~but she used to be mine~~_

The bell over the door rang as they entered, Emma slightly behind Killian, but he held the door, until she came in beside him.

M&M looked up first, her face lighting up when she saw her sister. "Emma!" She cried, grabbing her sister in a bear hug. Then she pulled back, eyes darting between the two, and Killian pinpointed the moment the pieces fell into place. "Finally!" she sighed. "We've only been trying to get you two to come to your senses for two years."

Emma smiled, as she met Killian's eyes. "I guess we just had to see it for ourselves." She said, and Killian couldn't agree more.

 **Please review (if you do, there might even be a P3)**


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